Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
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Every work call, he judges.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
i love modern commerce
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you