Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
You Might Also Like
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?