Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
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Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
5-summon the Dark Overlord
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
*pretends floor is lava*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.