@Fred_Delicious

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

@onion_an

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

@jenlaw_11

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

@Cpin42

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

@RiotGrlErin

i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.

@cherryzigzags

My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father

@KeetPotato

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

@StevieKnip

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

@GoldenSpirals

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

@choniepony

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.