So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
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Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”