The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
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HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Blew out my flip flop…
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.