If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
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Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage