Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
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*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.