This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
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[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
According to math, I’m broke
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude