A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
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FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode