I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
You Might Also Like
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building