Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
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I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.