If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
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The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included