I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
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Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified