(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
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[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.