Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
You Might Also Like
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
God, I love Scotland
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys