son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
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WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.