Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
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Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”