people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing