FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
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I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
What my back needs
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.