Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
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If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.