“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
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My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”