I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
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Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Autocarrot sucks!
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin