I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
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My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.