My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
You Might Also Like
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
*crowd goes wild*
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
Is it working yet?