@byrdie_num_num

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

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@KentWGraham

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”

@TheToddWilliams

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

@SaltyMacTavish

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

@funnyordie

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

@DiamondLou69

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

@MarfSalvador

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

@KimmyMonte

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

@OlanDevine

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

@gobmentcheese

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.