I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

You Might Also Like


My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”


GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
GOOD COP: Oh right


If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally


TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.


Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.


date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?


*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*


My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.


Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.