My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
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The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment