Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
You Might Also Like
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”