A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
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“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Meat Cute
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES