A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
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Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives