Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
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What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10