*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
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My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
For anyone who needs this today
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”