Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
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*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.