If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
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My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?