me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
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My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?