me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
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I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Overindulged this afternoon.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.