Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
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everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
nice challenge
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Brb my Sims are getting married
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Legend 🤣🤣
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)