There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
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getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Guy who likes music
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.