women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
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New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.