Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
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Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.