8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
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Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
yea so i messed up lol
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You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe