If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
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When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
This is no longer winter this is harassment
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Me, flirting😏
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again