Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
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My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I am a gravy boat captain
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home