Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
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I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Ion see the issue
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks