I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
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My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard