I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
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My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
FRED: right
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?