Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
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Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
my name if I was in the mob
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My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
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Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]