If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
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You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.