I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
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Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
this makes me so uncomfortable
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*