I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
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My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.