One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
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My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Lol
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry