So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
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Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I feel this so hard
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓