When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
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I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
😩😩😩
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??