walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
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Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
the clam before the storm
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Every work meeting this week
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him