Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
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I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Generation gap…
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.