This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
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“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Does your wife know you’re single?
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight